Why Am I Like This? Rebuilding Trust with Your Body in Midlife

Why Am I Like This? Rebuilding Trust with Your Body in Midlife

Understanding the role of your nervous system and how to work with it, not against it, through perimenopause and beyond.

I was chatting with a client recently when she said something I hear a lot:

“I just have one of those overactive nervous systems.”

And immediately, I was taken back to my clubbing days.

Stick with me here … there’s a connection, I promise

I remembered nights out in my early twenties. After hours of shouting over thumping bass and navigating sticky dancefloors, my friends and I would spill out into the quiet night, still yelling at each other even though the music had stopped. We were still in “shout” mode. Our systems hadn’t yet caught up with our surroundings.

That’s exactly what’s happening to many of the midlife women I work with.

Let's unpack that ...

When Your Nervous System Feels Too Loud

Many of my clients (like me) spent years pushing through life. They’ve raised families, worked hard, ignored their own needs, and kept everything together for everyone else.

Until they couldn’t.

Until their bodies, minds, and nervous systems said: “Enough.”

Now, even though they’ve slowed down and started prioritising themselves (we focus on strength training, better nutrition, Breathwork, and deeper self-care for the most part) their nervous system still feels “too much.”

Why?

Because it’s still shouting.

Years of ignoring subtle cues meant their bodies had to get louder to get their attention. And even now, in recovery and realignment, their nervous system hasn’t quite recalibrated.

But here’s what I want you to know: your nervous system isn’t broken.

In fact… it’s doing exactly what it was designed to do.

Your Nervous System: Protector, Messenger, and Superpower

Let’s get into the science for a moment.

Your nervous system is your internal surveillance system. It constantly scans for safety or danger, long before your logical mind even gets involved. And it’s wired to respond quickly, especially when you’ve lived in chronic stress.

This is where Polyvagal Theory comes in: a powerful framework developed by Dr. Stephen Porges. It explains how your body reacts to stress through different states:

• 🟢 Ventral Vagal – When you feel calm, connected, and safe.
  

• 🟡 Sympathetic – When you’re in fight or flight (alert, anxious, activated).
  

• 🔴 Dorsal Vagal – When you shut down (numb, disconnected, depressed).
  
  

"As humans, we are defined by our need to connect and to co-regulate"

Stephen Porges

None of these states are wrong or bad. They’re protective. But staying stuck in high alert or shutdown can take a serious toll, especially in perimenopause when hormone shifts make these responses even more sensitive.

Why You Might Still Be Reacting (Even When You’re “Doing Everything Right”)

Let’s go back to that nightclub moment.

Even when it’s quiet, your body may still shout. Even when you’ve finally slowed down and are eating better, lifting weights, breathing deeply, and journaling regularly,  your nervous system might still be catching up.

It’s normal.

Because, like any relationship, rebuilding trust between your mind and body takes time.

Many of my clients have been through burnout, illness, or trauma (both big and small). Their nervous systems have learned to anticipate stress and not let its guard down too quickly.

That’s not weakness. That’s wisdom.

How We Rebuild Nervous System Trust (Top-Down + Bottom-Up)

When I work with clients, we don’t just “talk about stress.” We map it. We track it. We honour it.

We start with a deep assessment of where they’re at; mentally, physically, and emotionally. We work gently and compassionately, building strategies that don’t overwhelm them.

We use top-down approaches (like coaching, journaling) and bottom-up tools (like strength training, mobility, Breathwork, and nervous system-regulating touch).

We're not trying to avoid the ups and downs of life.

We're learning to surf the waves, not drown in them.

One of my favourite analogies I share with clients is this:

Your nervous system is not the enemy. It’s the smoke alarm. Sometimes it’s overly sensitive because of what it’s been through (especially those annoying pips when the battery is low) but it’s still trying to keep you safe.

So how do we begin to rebuild trust with our body and nervous system after years of overriding it? 

The truth is, healing doesn’t require perfection… presence will get you so much further. 

Below are five gentle, effective practices you can begin today to support your nervous system and reconnect with your inner wisdom

5 Nervous System Self-Care Practices to Reclaim Calm and Connection

When you’ve spent years overriding your needs, pushing through exhaustion, people-pleasing, and always doing for others, it’s no surprise your nervous system has had to learn to shout just to be heard.

But healing begins with listening again.

Here's how.

1. Coherence Breathing (and why it matters)

Coherence breathing is one of the simplest yet most powerful tools to regulate your nervous system. It involves gently slowing the breath to around 5–6 breaths per minute (or 5.5 if you want to be exact), usually aiming for an inhale of about 5 seconds and an exhale of 5 seconds.

Seriously though, all you are aiming to do is match your inhale to your exhale, the actual timing doesn't matter and your ability to take slower breaths will vary day to day and affected by your environment, physical and mental state.

Why it works: This breathing rhythm supports heart rate variability (HRV), signaling safety to the brain and activating the parasympathetic “rest and digest” state.

You can try this using my guided Coherence Breathing video on YouTube.

2. Soothe the Senses with Gentle Self-Touch

Inspired by Polyvagal theory, techniques like placing a hand over your heart, holding your own face, or wrapping your arms around yourself can send powerful messages of safety to the nervous system.

Try: placing one hand over your heart and one on your belly. Breathe slowly and feel the warmth of your own hands, a simple but profound anchor.

3. Full-Body Listening

This practice means pausing to notice, without judgment. Are your shoulders tense? Is your jaw tight? Do you feel spacious or constricted?

Tip: Take 30 seconds to scan your body at intervals throughout the day. This micro check-in builds your self-awareness muscle and helps you respond early, rather than react late.

4. Rhythmic Movement

Slow, rhythmic movement like walking, gentle strength training, or swaying to music helps recalibrate your nervous system. This is especially helpful when you’re not ready to sit in stillness but need to shift states.

Bonus: Rhythmic movement integrates both hemispheres of the brain and supports emotional processing.

5. Micro-Doses of Rest

Many women in midlife find it hard to justify resting. But even 2–3 minutes of breath or quiet awareness between tasks can significantly reduce stress load.

Try: a mindful pause while your kettle boils, slowly exhale, feel your feet on the ground, soften your gaze (another great opportunity to practice Coherence breathing too).

Remember, as with everything I invite you to try, none of these are a quick fix or a stand alone "cure" but each little thing we do to support our wellbeing is like voting for the calmer, more grounded and happier you.

Small Signs of Safety: Learning to Feel Again

As we slow down, tune in, and build safety into the body, we start noticing the small things again:

• A knot in the stomach that says, “Did I leave the hob on?”

• A tingling in your chest when someone’s energy feels off.

• The warmth of joy in your body during a moment of connection.
  

These aren’t “just feelings.” They’re data. Your body is talking to you.

And the more we learn to listen, the less it needs to shout.

From Overwhelm to Empowerment

This journey isn’t linear. And it’s not always easy. But it is possible.

You’re not broken.
You’re not too sensitive.
You’re not imagining it.

You’ve been through A LOT. And your nervous system knows it, often before you do.

Those reactions you feel? They’re not flaws.

They’re messages from a body that has learned to shout to be heard. But here’s the good news: you can rebuild that trust.

Slowly, gently, with support.

Your nervous system isn’t the enemy, it’s your guide.

With the right tools and a safe space to explore, you can learn to listen to its cues, regulate with care, and use those signals as a superpower, not something to fear.

It starts with a breath. A pause. A willingness to check in.

You’re allowed to take your time.
You’re allowed to need support.
And you’re allowed to begin again, as many times as you need.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I’d love to walk alongside you, through 1:1 coaching, Breathwork, or even just by tuning in to the podcast that inspired this post.

You don’t have to do this alone.

Want to go deeper?

🎧 Listen to the companion podcast episode: The Wisdom of Your NERVOUS SYSTEM: From Burnout to Trust

📥 Download my free guide: Could It Be Menopause?

🗓️ Book a free clarity call: carlykillen.com

📺 Watch the Coherence Breath video: YouTube – Coherence Breathing

Sources

Frontiers in Psychology. (2024, May 22). Psychology for Clinical Settings (Vol. 15). https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1382007

Sipler, E. (n.d.). Making Our Nervous System Work for Us: Using the Polyvagal Theory to Improve Our Wellbeing. South Eastern Health and Social Care Trust.

✨ Disclaimer ✨:

The content of this blog is intended for educational and informational purposes only and reflects my experience and approach as a coach and breathwork facilitator. It is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or therapy. If you're navigating significant emotional distress or health concerns, please seek support from a qualified healthcare professional or therapist.

I work alongside - not in place of - medical or therapeutic care to support women in reconnecting with their bodies and building forward-focused strategies for midlife wellbeing.