How To Be On Your Own Side: The Fierce & Tender Of Self Compassion

“There’s a time in every woman’s life when she awakens to herself… it is not always comfortable.

But it is always necessary.”

There’s a kind of fire that rises in midlife.

Sometimes it’s fierce.
Sometimes it feels like everything is falling apart.
Sometimes it feels like you’ve been tenderised by life… physically, emotionally, hormonally, and you’re just trying to keep it together.

If you’ve been showing up, doing the work, trying to “get it right” and still find yourself thinking,
“Why does this feel so hard?”

This is for you.

I’ve been there too.

Navigating the intersection of ADHD, perimenopause, multiple rounds of burnout, and the shifting terrain of relationships in midlife. My nervous system didn’t always feel like an ally. I’ve had to learn (and relearn) what it means to be on my own side.

And one of the biggest shifts?
Leaning into self-compassion.

Not the soft, fluffy kind.
The fierce, grounded, lived-in kind.

The kind that says: This stops now. This matters. I matter.

What Self-Compassion Is... and What It’s Not

Self-compassion isn’t just treating yourself to a bubble bath and glass of wine in the evening.

It’s a courageous, counter-cultural practice of meeting yourself exactly where you are… especially when it’s hard.

Dr. Kristin Neff, leading researcher in this field, defines self-compassion through three components:

• Self-Kindness: Meeting pain with care instead of criticism.
  

• Common Humanity: Remembering you're not alone in your struggle.
  

• Mindfulness: Being present with your experience, rather than ignoring or over-identifying with it.
  

And what it’s not:

• ❌ Self-pity

• ❌ Self-indulgence

• ❌ Letting yourself off the hook
  

Real self-compassion helps you hold yourself accountable in a way that’s sustainable… not self-punishing. The science backs that up.

Fierce & Tender: Two Sides of Compassion

Most people think of compassion as soft, passive, even indulgent.
But self-compassion has two powerful faces.

• Tender self-compassion says: “It’s okay to rest. You’ve done enough.”

• Fierce self-compassion says: “This is no longer acceptable. Something needs to change.”
  
  

We need both.

It’s this blend that brings transformation, not just comfort, but clarity and growth.

Clarissa Pinkola Estés, author of Women Who Run With the Wolves, calls this the showing of teeth:

“If you have yet to be called an incorrigible, defiant woman, don’t worry… there is still time.”

For many women, especially in midlife, this fierce compassion is the piece we’ve been most disconnected from. We’re brilliant at giving, but often struggle to ask for what we need, set boundaries, or walk away from what’s no longer right for us.

Learning this isn’t just helpful, it’s vital.

Self-Compassion: The Science Bit

Multiple studies show that people who practise self-compassion:

✅ Experience less anxiety and depression
✅ Procrastinate less and recover faster from setbacks
✅ Have greater resilience, motivation, and emotional regulation
✅ Are more likely to adopt consistent health habits
✅ Have more fulfilling relationships and better boundaries

One key insight?

Self-compassion reduces fear-based motivation and replaces it with care-based motivation.
That inner critic voice that says, “You’ll fail if you don’t push harder”?
It gets quieter.
In its place, you hear: “You matter. Let’s support you to do this well.”

But what else is going on under the surface?

The Neuroscience of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion isn’t just a mindset; it’s a powerful, body-based practice that can rewire how we respond to stress, setbacks, and self-doubt.

Neuroscientific research shows that when we practise self-compassion, we activate areas of the brain involved in emotional regulation, empathy, and calm decision-making, like the prefrontal cortex and insula. 

At the same time, we quiet down the amygdala, the brain’s fear centre, helping to reduce our fight-or-flight reactivity.

This shift also impacts our hormonal and nervous system responses. 

Self-compassion increases levels of oxytocin (the connection hormone) and dopamine (linked to reward and motivation), while lowering stress hormones like cortisol. Over time, this can reduce the wear and tear of chronic stress on the sympathetic nervous system, helping the body return more easily to a regulated, balanced state.

There’s also evidence that self-compassion influences the default mode network (DMN), the part of the brain active during self-reflection. By practising kind awareness rather than harsh judgment, we gradually shift our inner narrative from self-criticism to self-support.

Put simply: self-compassion doesn’t just feel good, it literally changes your brain and body.

It’s a neurobiological way to build resilience, reduce anxiety, and create space for healing and growth.

Tenderised by the Universe

I didn’t choose self-compassion at first. It chose me.
Or rather… life pushed me toward it, hard.

After multiple burnouts, emotional whiplash, and the intensity of midlife shifts, I realised no amount of “pushing through” was going to bring me home to myself.

And when your body, your nervous system, finally says, “No more”, there’s nothing left to do but listen.

That’s when I learned to show up for myself.

Not just softly, but fiercely.
Not perfectly, but consistently.
Like I would for a child, a client, or a friend I care deeply about.

This is the work of reclaiming.
Reclaiming your time, your body, your voice.

A Practice to Try Today

Try this Fierce and Tender Check-In:
A 60-second reset when you're feeling overwhelmed, overcommitted, or disconnected.

• Tender: What do I need right now that feels kind or soothing?

• Fierce: What boundary, action, or commitment would support me today?

  Write it down. Act on just one small thing. That’s how you build momentum.

Fierce & Tender in Real Life: 5 Practices to Try

💬 Catch the Critic. Change the Channel.
Notice your inner dialogue. Shift from “I’ve failed” to “What do I need right now?”

✍️ Write Yourself a Compassionate Note.
Try this: “This is a moment of suffering. May I be kind to myself in this moment.”

💛 Remember: You’re Not Alone.
This isn’t proof you’re broken. It’s proof you’re human.

🌱 Move from Care, Not Guilt.
Rest, nourish, and move your body because you matter — not because you’ve earned it.

🌬️ Support Your Nervous System.
Coherence breathing (just 5 mins) can help calm your system. Try my YouTube video here.

You’re Not Broken (But Maybe a Little Cracked)

Healing, recovery, and awakening aren’t about fixing what’s wrong.

They’re about remembering what’s always been true:
Your worth.
Your power.
Your right to take up space, and rest without guilt.

“To be ourselves causes us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves.”
- Clarissa Pinkola Estés

You are not too much.
You are not selfish for wanting more peace.
You are simply coming home to yourself.

Want Support as You Come Home to Yourself?

If you're ready to take the next step, perhaps one of these feels right for you:

Clarity Calls: for when you need to be seen, heard, and supported
Breathwork Tasters: to reconnect with your body and your power

Let’s find the next right step, together.
Book your free clarity call here.

References & Resources

• Neff, K. (2021). Fierce Self-Compassion.

• Germer, C. (2009). The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion.

• Pinkola Estés, C. (1992). Women Who Run With the Wolves.

• Front. Psychol., 2024 – Scientific insights on the physiology of self-compassion.

• Making Our Nervous System Work for Us, Ed Sipler, South Eastern Health & Social Care Trust.