The Giving Paradox: When Generosity Becomes Depletion

It's International Women's Day week. And there's a "Give to Gain" theme circulating that's caught my attention...

When I first saw it, I had... mixed feelings.

On one hand, I love the intention behind it. The idea that organizations, institutions, communities should give more to women. Invest in women's businesses.

Support women's causes. Fund women's initiatives. Yes. Absolutely. We need that.

But on the other hand... I couldn't help but wonder how this message might land for individual women. Especially women who are already stretched thin. Already giving so much. Already depleted.

Because there's this cultural conditioning, isn't there? That women gain value through giving. That our worth is measured by how much we care for others, how much we accommodate, how much we put everyone else's needs before our own.

So "Give to Gain" could be read two ways:

Organizations should give TO women and we all gain.

Or... women should give MORE and maybe then we'll gain something back.

And I wanted to explore that tension.

A Note About This Year's Theme

Before I go further, I need to acknowledge something important that came up in conversations after I shared my initial thoughts about this.

The official UN Women theme for International Women's Day 2026 is "Rights. Justice. Action." And the focus is clear: women's rights mean nothing if we cannot defend them. It's about access to justice, ending impunity, legal protection, and supporting women's movements worldwide.

That's the real work of IWD. Fighting for structural change. Demanding better systems.

But there's also a "Give to Gain" theme that's been circulating widely from International Women's Day .com a domain that appears to have changed hands over the years with what feels like a lack of visibility around that shift.

And regardless of intention... the messaging has changed too.

Now we're seeing imagery of women with outstretched, cupped hands "ready to give from the heart."

And for many of us, that landed... poorly.

Because it feels like a reframing. A softening. A shift from demanding justice to encouraging generosity.

From "we deserve rights and we're fighting for them" to "give more from your heart."

No wonder it felt off to me. No wonder so many women had such a strong reaction.

So I want to be really clear from the start: when I talk about sustainable generosity, capacity, and not giving from depletion... I'm not reinforcing that "give to gain" messaging.

I'm critiquing it.

I'm saying: if you've absorbed the message that you should give more, accommodate more, be more generous, put others first... that's not your failing. That's conditioning. Often from systems that benefit from your depletion.

And the real work of International Women's Day? It's demanding better. For all of us.

Fighting for the structural changes that mean women don't have to give endlessly just to survive. Don't have to over-function to be valued. Don't have to deplete themselves to matter.

So yes, let's talk about sustainable generosity and building capacity. But let's also be clear: the goal isn't to make us better at giving within broken systems.

The goal is to change the systems.

Generous Giving vs Obligatory Giving

I've been thinking a lot about the difference between generous giving and obligatory giving.

Because they can look the same from the outside. But they feel completely different in your body.

Generous giving... it comes from choice. It feels joyful. Or at least, it doesn't feel depleting. There's a sense of "I have this to give, and I want to give it."

Even if it's hard work. Even if it costs you something. There's still a sense of alignment.

Obligatory giving feels different.

It comes from depletion. From "I don't have this to give, but I have to anyway." From fear of what happens if you say no. From a sense of owing, or needing to prove your worth, or keeping yourself safe through accommodation.

The Nervous System Bit: Understanding Fawn Response

And here's where I want to bring in something from nervous system work... with care.

There's a term you might have heard: the fawn response.

It was coined by Pete Walker, a therapist who writes about complex trauma. And it describes a survival response where we try to keep ourselves safe by appeasing others. By over-giving. By making sure everyone else is okay so that we'll be okay too.

Now, I want to be really clear: I'm not a therapist. I'm trauma-aware through my Breathwork facilitator training and my own work, but this isn't my area of expertise.

What I do know is that fawn response often develops from difficult experiences... sometimes in childhood, sometimes later in life... where accommodating others genuinely was a survival strategy. Where keeping other people happy kept you safe.

And if you're recognizing yourself in this... please know I'm not pathologising your experience or reducing your generosity to a trauma response.

Many of us have some element of fawning in our patterns. And it developed for good reason.

What I'm inviting us to notice is: when does our giving come from genuine desire... and when does it come from that deeper place of "I have to, or something bad will happen"?

And if you're realizing that past experiences are shaping your current patterns in ways that feel heavy or stuck... that might be something to explore with a therapist or trauma-informed practitioner.

My Own Pattern

I know this territory because I've walked it myself.

For years, I had this habit of using all my capacity on others. And I didn't even realize it was a pattern. It just felt normal. Like, "of course I'll help, of course I'll say yes, of course I'll make it work."

And slowly, without really noticing, I was running on empty.

Not because I didn't care about the people I was giving to. But because I wasn't leaving anything for myself. I wasn't checking in with whether I actually had the capacity for what I was saying yes to.

I was giving from... let's call it a mix of genuine care and habitual accommodation. From a nervous system that had learned: your safety comes through making sure everyone else is taken care of.

And eventually, that led to burnout.

Not once. Twice.

Because even after the first burnout, I didn't fully understand the pattern. I thought I just needed to rest a bit and then get back to giving.

But rest alone wasn't enough. I needed to actually build capacity. And I needed to learn the difference between giving from choice and giving from depletion.

What Is Capacity, Really?

So what is capacity?

It's not just time. Though time is part of it.

Capacity is energy. Nervous system bandwidth. Emotional reserves. Physical vitality. Mental clarity. The actual resources you have available to meet the demands of your life.

And I've noticed... many women chronically operate right at the edge of their capacity.

We're holding so much. Managing so much. And there's very little buffer. Very little margin.

So when one more thing comes up... even a small thing... it tips us over the edge. Because there's no space left.

You've probably heard the metaphor about not being able to pour from an empty cup.

And yes, that's true. But I think the deeper question is: what actually fills the cup?

Because it's not just bubble baths and self-care Sundays. Though those can be lovely.

What fills the cup is rest. Actual rest. Boundaries. Receiving support. Nervous system care. Time that's truly yours. Space to not be productive or useful or giving.

And for me, I had to actively build capacity before I could give sustainably.

That meant learning to rest without guilt. Learning to say no without over-explaining. Learning to receive help instead of always being the one giving it. Learning to protect my energy instead of spending it all on everyone else.

It meant shifting from "I should have more to give" to "I need to have more capacity first."

And that shift? That changed everything.

Boundaries as Capacity Protection

One of the biggest pieces of building capacity for me has been boundaries.

But not boundaries as rigid rules that you set once and enforce forever.

Boundaries as living, breathing responses to what you need right now.

Sometimes your boundary is generous. You have capacity, you want to give, you say yes with your whole heart.

Sometimes your boundary is tight. You don't have capacity, you need to protect your energy, you say no even though it's uncomfortable.

Both are valid.

Boundaries aren't about being inflexible or self-centered. They're about being honest with yourself about what you can actually sustain.

And here's something important: adjusting a boundary doesn't always mean you've "given in" or that you're fawning.

Sometimes adjusting a boundary is discernment. It's new information. It's realising your capacity has shifted, or the situation has changed, or you've reassessed what matters to you.

The work I do with my clients is about building that sense of self-trust. So you can know the difference.

Between adjusting a boundary because you're genuinely choosing to... and adjusting it because you're afraid or obligated or reverting to old patterns (the ones that don't work for you now).

And yes, that comes through trial and error. Through noticing. Through reflecting.

That's what my coaching container is. Not about me having all the answers. But being there as you take each step. As you try things. As you notice what feels aligned and what doesn't. As you choose to do life differently.

Because boundaries are a practice. Not a destination.

You check in with yourself. Do I have capacity for this? Does this feel aligned? What am I saying yes to... and what am I saying no to by saying yes to this?

And sometimes the answer is yes, I can do this. And sometimes it's no, I can't. And sometimes it's yes, but only if I can get support. Or yes, but not in the way you're asking.

Boundaries protect your capacity. They create the space where sustainable giving becomes possible.

When you honor your boundaries, you're not being selfish. You're being structural. You're making sure you have something left to give... including to yourself.

The "Gain" Bit: Learning to Receive

So if "give to gain" includes the receiving part... I think we need to talk about that too.

Because I see many women struggling with receiving.

Receiving can feel vulnerable. Uncomfortable. Like we're burdening someone. Like we should be able to handle everything ourselves.

I know I struggled with this for years.

I could give endlessly. But receiving? That was hard.

Accepting help felt like admitting I couldn't cope. Accepting compliments felt awkward. Accepting rest felt like laziness.

And what I've learned from all this: receiving is practice. Not passivity.

Receiving support. Receiving help. Receiving compliments. Receiving care. Receiving rest.

All of these refill your capacity.

Because you can't give from choice if you never let yourself refill.

And there's a reciprocity here. Giving and receiving create flow. It's not one-directional. It's not "I give, you take." It's maybe more like, "we support each other."

When you receive, you're allowing someone else to give. You're honoring their generosity the same way you want yours to be honored.

So maybe part of the real "gain" in supporting women is learning to receive. To let ourselves be supported. To fill our own cups so we have something to pour from.

That's been part of my journey. Learning to receive without guilt. Without the immediate need to reciprocate or balance the scales.

Just... receiving. As practice.

And that builds capacity too.

Giving From Choice

So what changed when I built capacity first?

Everything, honestly.

Giving feels different now.

I can still be generous. I want to be generous. Generosity brings me joy.

But it's sustainable now. Because I'm not giving from depletion. I'm giving from choice.

I'm mindful not to use all my capacity on others. That's still an old habit that can creep back in if I'm not paying attention.

But now I check in with myself. Do I have capacity for this? Am I giving because I want to, or because I feel obligated?

And when I give from choice, it feels lighter. More joyful. Less resentful.

I can show up for my clients fully. I can support my family. I can contribute to my community.

Not because I'm forcing myself to. But because I have the capacity to do so without depleting myself.

And when I don't have capacity? I can say no. Or ask for support. Or adjust my boundaries.

Without the guilt. Without the fear that I'm failing or letting people down.

Because I've learned: taking care of my capacity is what allows me to keep showing up. Not just once. Sustainably.

That's the practice. And it's ongoing.

How to Know If You're Giving From Choice or Obligation

Before you say yes to one more thing... pause. Take a breath.

Then ask yourself:

Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I'm afraid of what happens if I say no?

That fear piece is often a clue. If you're saying yes from fear... that's usually obligation, not choice.

Do I have the actual capacity for this, or am I hoping I'll find it somewhere?

Be honest. Not aspirational. Do you actually have the time, energy, bandwidth? Or are you assuming future-you will figure it out?

How does my body feel when I think about this commitment?

Does it feel expansive? Or contracted? Does it feel like a yes in your body, or just in your mind?

If I say yes to this, what am I saying no to?

Including rest. Including time for yourself. Including other priorities.

Every yes is also a no to something else. What is it?

Can I receive support for this, or am I doing it all alone?

If you're taking something on, is there space to ask for help? To share the load? Or are you assuming you have to do it all yourself?

These questions aren't about finding the "right" answer. They're about building awareness. About noticing your patterns.

And over time, that awareness creates choice.

What International Women's Day Actually Means

So as we mark International Women's Day... let's remember what it's actually about.

Not women giving more. Not women being more generous, more accommodating, more self-sacrificing.

But women demanding more. Rights. Justice. Safety. Legal protection. Economic equity. Structural change.

And yes, part of that work is learning to give sustainably. To build our own capacity. To stop depleting ourselves in service of systems that don't serve us back.

But that's not the same as accepting those systems.

Building your capacity isn't about becoming better at giving within patriarchal structures. It's about having the energy and resources to dismantle them.

Protecting your boundaries isn't selfish. It's revolutionary.

Receiving support isn't weakness. It's redistribution.

And refusing to over-give? That's not failure. That's resistance.

So maybe today... or this week... notice where you're giving from obligation versus choice.

Notice where you might need to build capacity. Where you might need to receive instead of give. Where you might need to demand better instead of accommodating more.

And know that this work... the work of sustainable generosity, of capacity-building, of learning to belong to yourself...

It's not separate from the work of justice. It's all part of it.

Because depleted women can't fight for change. Burnt out women can't demand better. Exhausted women can't hold space for transformation.

We need our energy. Our clarity. Our capacity.

Not to give more within broken systems.

But to build better ones.

Listen in full to episode 125 of Rooted in Presence, wherever you get your podcasts for more on sustainable generosity, boundaries as living practice, and building capacity that lasts.

Take care, Carly